You get what you need
For a year I didn't buy any games. Over a year actually. Partly this was because I had a stack of things to get through and finish but also because I was going to be moving sometime and would need to sell off my modern consoles.
So I gamed vicariously. Passive aggressive playing.
One of the things that was funny, from the outside looking in, was that Portal seemed to be such a huge success. Ok, so the people I know tend to be geeks but there was something about Portal that seemed to transcend normal trends. People who wouldn't normally talk about games were cooing over Weighted Companion Cube cakes. "The cake is a lie" was everywhere. From my self imposed exile it was kind of baffling. Why this game? Why now? Even Yahtzee couldn't think of anything bad to say.
So, as part of my rehabilitation I bought the Orange Box last weekend.
Everything everyone said is true.
...
Gosh that felt good to say.
So this is my review, a little late to the party but bear with me for I have brain items to lob at you.
First off, it's short. I thought I'd finished the training missions but that was the whole game (short of doing the XBL Achievements and the Advanced versions of the levels). But that's ok because because I got, like, 30 other games in the pack so I'm not fussed. I mean, I kind of wish that it had been maybe 5 or so levels longer but only because I was enjoying it so really it's no bad thing - always leave them begging for more as an old dominatrix friend of mine used to say. Of course then she tried to attack my balls with a cheese grater but it was meant in an affectionate way.
Secondly the difficulty level is pitched just right. I was never stuck thinking WTF do I do now or grinding my teeth in frustration whilst composing harshly worded missives to the internet at large. Part of that is the respawn points - at one point I got hit by a glowing ball or fell into some acid or something and though "Bollocks, now I'm going to have to do that last bit again. Bugger this, I'm going to watch some TV instead." but NO! I didn't have to do it again. I was placed back at the start of the sub puzzle I'd just fallen a cropper of. And so from being just about to switch off I ended playing right through to the end. Genius!
Remember that bit, I'm going to come back to it later.
Now let's talk aesthetics. Now to be frank I don't like the way that Source, the Half Life engine, looks. It's a personal thing and it's certainly not going to stop me playing a game. It's not that I don't think it's not good, I just don't like the style. But that's not the aesthetic I'm talking about.
Aesthetic is the whole package. What would Rez be without the styling? Probably not half as fun. And this doesn't mean that graphics should trump game play but that it should enhance it instead. Look at Doom 3 for example (which I suppose could actually be an argument either way).
With Portal it's the graphics but more it's also the humour - the cold, pitch black humour which has spawned all the in jokes. I'm contemplating purchasing a WCC tshirt and a series of Aperture motivational posters. From a game that was shorter than an average length film and had about 60 lines of dialogue. WTF? I mean seriously. I felt bad for the gun turrets FFS. I am not an overly emotional man, prone to tears, hootings, ululations, renting of hair or tearing of clothes yet I felt guilty for flipping over something that was SHOOTING BULLETS AT ME. What sort of witchcraft is this?
So we have a novel game mechanic, slick presentation, jet black jokes and a pitch perfect difficulty curve. And we can see how these things combine to become more than the whole by going back and downloading Narbacular Drop which, since it's by the same people who did Portal before Valve cannily hired them all, exactly the same game. Just
not nearly as good.
It's like one of those dream experiments where they have identical twins and lock one in a all white room and raise one normally and then take them paintballing on their 13th birthday or something. Not my dream you understand, just a theoretical gedanken experiment. I just mean that we can quantitatively measure the positive effects of a unified aesthetic when combined with a game play mechanism.
Aaaaaaaaanyway.
Something bothered me though. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. And so I mulled. Which is actually pretty hard to do actively. Mulling is a essentially a passive activity but, with practice one can mull actively without straying into "thinking" territory.
And at some point, it dawned on me, round about the 8th or 9th mug of tea of the day.
Sure Portal is good. But actually, in a way, only the game play mechanic and the humour are exceptional. Prey had a similar game play mechanic and it's not considered a modern classic. There have been other funny games but it doesn't guarantee them legend status.
It's that whole package again and the fact that Portal stands out as a shining beacon in a sea of mediocre turds.
Not to dismiss Valve's remarkable achievement but Portal is made to look extra special because 99% of other games released are self indulgent crap. Look back at that point that I said I'd come back to. I was praising the fact that Portal didn't actively piss me off. How fucked up is that? I know that balancing game play is an art rather than a science but if you're no good at you're job then you should be fired. We don't go watch a film, realise that it's boring and then say "Well, editing the film to smooth out the pacing and heighten emotions is a difficult skill to master so I'll just put up with it". We don't look idly out the window as our plane plummets groundwards thinking "You know what, I'm going to give the pilot a break because, gosh darn it, this flying stuff is pretty tricky all round".
Fuck that shit.
We've put up with lame ass games for too long. With poorly designed pieces of crap that are derivative and generic and padded with repetitious, derivative, clichéd levels in order to justify the ever more ludicrous price tag. We've become so brain washed that we confuse lens flare and bloom for aesthetic.
Sod that, as they say in my country, for a game of toy soldiers.
If there's one thing my year in exile has taught me is that I can go with games for a year like some sort of Camelus dromedarius ludens and so now I'm going to do something radical - I'm only going to play games that are fun and if nothing comes out that tickles my fancy then there's always Rock Band and Mr Driller to tide me over.
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